Jesus Army: Magazine - Prophetic Word

Jesus Fellowship leaders, Dave and Pat Lantsbery maintain that Christian parenting should be just about training in love - a belief based on biblical principles and surrounded by the support and stimulus of lively Christian community. They have been married for 27 years and have seven children and a grandson.

‘OVER THE last couple of years', says Dave, 'I have been asked to share my insights on parenting with various interested groups. After a recent occasion, in which I had emphasised some biblical principles of discipline, I was feeling encouraged by the seeming success of the evening. Seeking confirmation of this from Pat I asked her opinion. Calmly, she pointed out the shortcomings of my approach - if used in isolation from other vital 'human' emotional qualities. My 'sinking husband' feeling was immediately overtaken by an inner cry of "Yes - that's it". There is need for a balance between the discipline I had been advocating and care and encouragement.'

Pat explains, 'In our church, we promise at our baby dedications to bring up our children in the 'discipline' and the 'nurture' of the Lord. There needs to be this balance so that we are not just insisting on obedience and 'acceptable' behaviour but we are also building up our children's faith and self-esteem and producing wholesome, well-rounded, secure young people. I ask myself what it is that brings out the best in me. I know that I really need words of praise and encouragement; to be loved for who I am - no strings attached; to be trusted and given responsibility and so forth. My children are no different; they want to feel loved and appreciated as well. They need our approval as well as our admonition'.

'The following four W's contain some important principles for Christian parents to base the upbringing of their children upon', Dave continues, 'but all within the vital ingredient of love and nurture.

'Firstly a question: whose wisdom? This book, that tape, this magazine - so who should we listen to? For me the voice which rings most true to my own experience of human life is in fact the Bible. Take the book of Proverbs which contains simple guidance and wonderful promises (although they may not fit in well with some 'modern' thinking!) "Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the way of discipline will drive it far from him." (Prov. 22:15) "Discipline your son and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart." (29:17) "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." (22:6)

'Secondly, something to avoid - the world's way. Many books have been written to offer parenting advice but a great many of them are based upon the flawed wisdom that children are the centre or somehow in charge of the human family. Vital family decisions are based upon the wishes and wants of the children - which often results in teenagers growing up confused and resentful towards authority. God will give those of us who are parents the confidence to take our role as head of our families and see our children grow in the security that this brings.

'Thirdly, the will. A semi-serious musing of mine is that the one part of a new-born child that is already fully grown is their will. It certainly doesn't take many months before our sweet infant is exercising that will in direct opposition to our will. In the heat of this conflict, appeasement or surrender appear to offer us a path to peace. But halt! dear parents - note again the clear promises contained in Proverbs 29:17, above, and with courage be prepared to train the will of that little one who is dearest to your heart. They will bless you for doing so in years to come!'

'We do need to be sure that what we call "naughtiness" is really that', cautions Pat. 'Sometimes we have not made the boundaries clear and they are not aware that they are crossing them and sometimes, with very young children, 'accidents' often occur when in fact they are trying to do something helpful or they are just being inquisitive and exploring. We must be sure we are not just responding from our own irritability.'

'The fourth W is the word' continues Dave. 'The empty threats or rash promises which have been the refuge of most harassed parents in times of verbal confrontation with our offspring often form part of a drama of rising intensity and volume. These situations train our children to disregard our words until our voices reach specific decibel levels. Our ominous but insincere threats (because we don't follow them up) train them simply not to believe what we say. With God's help we should train our children to obey our first word - spoken with gentleness and tact. The sanctions which we may need to use to reinforce our training should be decided beforehand and before God.'

'Some parents use "time out" or the withdrawal of treats or privileges' says Pat. 'The important thing is that sanctions should be followed through consistently. Mind you', she admits, 'I'm constantly aware of my own imperfection and failings as a parent. But as long as we work at being consistent in our discipline and make sure that our children know that they are loved and respected they will cope with the times we blow it and make mistakes. It is good for us to say 'sorry' at times and we will find them very quick to forgive.'

Dave adds, 'The apostle Paul offers this loving injunction to the children of the Ephesian Christians, "Obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right". However, we can be quite sure that obedience would not have blossomed at Ephesus unless the parents had acted upon Paul's succeeding instruction to them to "bring up your children in the discipline and nurture of the Lord".'

'We have to loosen the reins gradually as they grow older and reach their teens' says Pat. 'If we have built open, loving relationships while they were young we stand a better chance of getting through the teenage years. They need to make decisions and choices for themselves and sometimes they will not choose what we see as best or even right - but this is the time when we need to stand back a little and let their own consciences speak to them. They need to choose God's way for themselves and though it can seem messy we cannot impose our standards and values on them for ever. We keep praying and stand for what we believe. The foundations have been laid and we continue to be there for them providing love and security.

'In the end, the main influence on our children will be the example of our own lives. We don't have to be perfect but we do have to be open - and honest about our walk with God. Children smell hypocrisy a mile off. The greater our involvement in the Body of Christ, the more our children will grow up feeling a sense of belonging in the bigger family - and wanting to belong.'

'The standard that we should aim for is clear' concludes Dave. 'Mutual love and respect flourish in families where the Bible's guidelines for parents are lived out and the children easily grow into a respect not only for their parents, but for the authority and love of God our great Father.'