IN 2002, I was engaged and looking at marriage. By 2007 I had committed myself to lifelong singleness. What could be worth giving up all prospects of marriage and children for? Here are some extracts from my "God book" which charts five incredible years of my life. It is hard to know where to start this tale...

August 2003: At the celibates' meeting someone said...

"Jesus was focused and clear. He had no distractions. The celibate gift breaks through to change things; turns things around; gathers the committed; draws and wins and reminds us where we're going. We're living for something that will last forever and called to be as radical as Jesus was. To go against the tide of this world, putting love for the kingdom of God above all else."

This got me thinking...

15 October 2003: Counting the cost.

I've been challenged over the last couple of weeks about the marriage or celibacy issue, especially as marriage is a real possibility right now. Tonight I was totally overcome. I was in that position of total surrender to God and that scared me - I wanted to run like hell. I've been fighting not to be in that "full and glad surrender" position, but the more I've fought it the more God has been taking me on that journey and the whole thing is blowing me away. I know that from now on whatever God asks me to do, I will do it. Whatever His way for me - He'll make it very clear. Either way it will be red hot!

1 January 2004: Well God, it's been a while - really insecure today - definite grey day.

Do I have some serious flaws in myself and my spirit to be thinking and feeling like this? Let me be true.

18 January 2004: After reading 1 Corinthians 7

God, I want to be "anxious about Your affairs". Leaving marriage behind will always be a wound in my heart but God I do need You and want You to heal me and bring things to the surface so I can, in You, be whole once more.

9 April 2004: Sacrifices

This weekend, a leader said we only know the blessing we know today because of the sacrifices and lives laid down in earlier years. Within, I know that I want to sacrifice and lay my life down in order for our church to be built stronger, wiser, more beautiful.

11 August 2004: Why do I always think I need a man in my life?!

Such a lie but I'm so conditioned into it.

1 February 2005: Asking God for the gift

At a celibates' gathering last night a sister had a vision of waves, frothing and moving around - that was the celibate life - people were looking down from above and the call was to dive into the waves - there was a call to respond - I wanted to but I couldn't - the moment passed and deep inside I'm gutted that I've missed the opportunity - crazy! Then another word was brought - someone waiting in the basket of a hot-air balloon for God to release the rope that tethered it - but God was waiting for the person to lean out and cut the rope themselves. That got me, deep within, well and truly - I just cried and cried as God moved in me. My desires so mixed with fear of the sacrifice and deep respect of God. As we were singing, later, I asked God for the gift of celibacy. Felt real peace and joy.

I was someone who had grown up in "church" and, as much as people who are looking to get married are disillusioned by the high divorce rate, I felt disillusioned by celibates who had broken their vows - there was quite a stigma among my generation about celibacy - was it really relevant or indeed possible? Surely it was a thing of the past and for people who were in their first love - not for those of us who had grown up in church. I had to face these prejudices in myself and also face the fact that God was calling me to be obedient and cross the line.

1 March 2005: As of today I am a probationary celibate!

I shared it at our Agape meal - felt sick, scared and excited all at once. That's it God - all out in the open - it's Your time - take me where You will.

31 March 2005: Not everyone understands

Saw a friend today, told her about my probationary celibacy - she was really cautious with me about it which was bizarre. It struck me how I wanted to totally live another life to her, not a safe life but a risky life. I'd never really seen it so clearly before - God keep confirming Your will to me.

12 October 2005: Am I more excited about bringing people into God's kingdom or bringing babies into the world?

This challenge was brought tonight - Jesus, what is my destiny? The lines of a song came to mind: The passion of love had conquered her fears. I know it's that passion of love that will set me on my path of unreservedly following You; that will stop me glancing back at my past loves and passions.

25 December 2005: That's it God

Tonight I burnt a lot of bridges within myself and practically.

16 February 2006: Shared my heart at a celibates' meeting tonight

The more I share about it the more real it becomes. Like a gift being gradually unwrapped. I'm not really sure what is inside but I know You've called me to pioneer and unwrap Your gift for young people like myself and I know it contains wholeness and holiness for me.

30 October 2006: I sense a change within.

God - You're really doing it now. Since I have put my love and life back in Your hands I sense that I have given my life over to Your wild, unknown, daring adventure. Out of the tame safe place into uncharted terrain - it's You! And even in the last few days I've dared to acknowledge and admit, in all honesty, what I really know is my call - deep down I want to be married to You, Jesus, and to Your Church!

My grandad wanted to get me something for my birthday. I felt the Holy Spirit say - get an engagement ring to outwardly show our commitment to one another. As I see it we are betrothed but I know that He still has more to do before I make the full vow. Our ring was to arrive on Friday, 10th November and all that week I had such a sense of excitement.

9 November 2006: The eve of my "engagement"

The night before - Jesus, my heart is so excited. I want to please You and tomorrow is a really precious day - awesome. Already I feel like I know You more than a week ago. Oh Jesus - His quest, His journey is so exciting!

10 November 2006: We did it!

I hardly slept last night - kept waking up. My day at work seemed to go so slow; finally made it, dropped everyone off after work, and went to my favourite place - the old village church. It was really dark, rainy and windy. I made my way in and lit the candles - it was our time. Worshipped the Lord, gave Him everything, one by one, piece by piece, gave it all over and I wept. Not really 'cos I was sad but because I was overwhelmed - a totally precious moment. I made my commitment to Jesus and Him to me and put my ring on. Bathing in His love and tenderness and purity. Oh God, You are awesome.

31 December 2006: End of Year Church Celebration

Today a lot of older people made their celibacy vows. Inside I felt a real excitement that next year when I take my vow, young people will be taking the helm - pioneering it on! Two sisters prayed for me - to formally acknowledge that Jesus has offered and I have received the gift of celibacy. One saw a vision of King Jesus with His arms full of gifts and I chose one. It was plain and small but I knew it was the right one. As I opened it bright light poured forth. It is for me! God! So full of the Holy Spirit I couldn't stand under the power, just lay on the floor bathed in God!

5 February 2007: Nearly there…

God - we've nearly clinched the deal - seven weeks to go - awesome, exciting, mind-blowing.

29 March 2007: Drawing closer…

God, I feel awed by it all; not afraid 'cos I know You will be with me, every step of the next few days, and of course, forever. I never thought it possible - little wayward me - falling so in love with You and Your kingdom that I'm prepared to lay at the foot of Your cross of suffering all that's precious within and rise and meet You in death and resurrection.

31 March 2007: The day of my vow

God! The day has finally arrived - when all will be consecrated to You. I feel a deep peace as I begin this day (still can't believe it's me - that You have chosen me!) It's Your miracle Lord - let Your Spirit rise within me, draw me ever close.

I made my vow on 1 April 2007 in a small ceremony and celebration, with family and close friends as witnesses, beginning at midnight 31 March. We worshipped, touching heaven in our hearts. Kneeling before an old rugged wooden cross I made my commitment to Jesus, and to His Church.